THE OPRAH WINFREY INTERVIEW:

The disembodied voice intoned, “Thank you for calling Harpo Productions. An associate will return your call in 15 years….” Hah, yeah right!! The Phoneix of Arizona, my main man and repository of all this planet’s unlisted numbers, laughed and hit the super-dial on his ‘Unlisten!’ Cameras whirring in front of a billion-strong audience, a black Dreyfon shrieked to life, rudely interrupting Madonna’s tearful confession to Oprah:

OPRAH: Whaaat?? I’m on air!! me: Yo, an I’m on coke! Hah! OPRAH: Barrack? U on arrack? me: WTF?? R U dissing me? OPRAH: Aaargh! You’ve made Madonna go all weepy now! me: Yo musta pista, sista! OPRAH: She’d just got religion!! me: Is dis the Pope’rah show or wot?? OPRAH: She wanted it ‘confidential!’ me: Sorry mama, “Oprahtion failed!” OPRAH: She’s all undressed now, jerk! me: Nightie at the Oprah??? Hehe! OPRAH: She’s promotin my new lingerie line.. me: The Win’free O’Bra??? Lmao!! OPRAH: WTF!!Whaddya want, honky?? me: Promote our Convention, sista!! OPRAH: Where?? Is it non-alcoholic?? me: Up north – haha, yes, we’re Canada Dry!! OPRAH: A comic! Lose the puns dude!! me: Can’t! Ah’m a smooth Oprahtor!! OPRAH: Aaaargh! Let’s go to tea-break.. me: Sista, lose the tea!!! You need to… OPRAH: Diet?? If I lose the t, I’ll…”Die”! me: Look who’s punny, O richest mama alive! contd…->

OPRAH: Ya, I’m a super-Star, Ms mega-Bucks!! me: So sponsor our Coffee, Ms Star’Bucks!! OPRAH: I’ll sponsor your whole Convention!! me: ??? What would you get in return?? OPRAH: I’ll be wed dere – to my guru, Deepak! me: Not dat lemon – U becomin Oprah Chopra!! OPRAH: Ya honky, a Propah Greek wedding!! me: OMG, Oprahy for us….Zoprah the Greek!! OPRAH: Groaan! Can’t you evah be serious? me: Put da Convention on your show, Opie! OPRAH: Make me a Goan! Gimme a caste! me: How about ‘out-caste?’ Opariah Winfrey!!! OPRAH: Yo!! I got my OWN TV station now!! me: To shoot druggies?? Dope’rah’s Dopies?? OPRAH: No, just my secret singin ambitions!! me: No, no, no, not…Phantom of the Oprah! OPRAH: It’s the story of my rags-to-riches!!! me: U inspire da sistas becom Oprah singers?? OPRAH: Life in da ghetto sucks!! I’ll make a billion copies of my series for kidz from da hood …and they’ll get lotsa freebies from ma spas! me: So they get lots’a bubble-baths free… OPRAH: …if they get my hood opera copy!! me: haha!! “Ghetto soap Oprah, Winfrey bubbles forevah!”

Francis Rodrigues © 2008 Toronto.

DEAR AUNTY,
My brother and his pals have just started smoking!!
He mostly gets all the butts – what can we do?? Bidii.
……………
Dear Bidii: Stop him – he’s just a goan ashtray!

Francis Rodrigues © 2008 Toronto.

“This hotel is very painful!! At breakfast the
waiters ask me if I want aches or conflicts!!”

Francis Rodrigues © 2008 Toronto.

1. AUNTY QUIP:
by Arnold Noronha, Delaware, U.S.

Subscriber: Aunty dear, why have you been invited only to the
closing ceremonies of the 2008 International Goan Convention?
Aunty: Because it ain’t over until the Fat Lady sings!

2. CHURCHILL:
by Dr. Jose Colaco, Nassau, Bahamas.

CHURCHILL TO CONTEST ELECTIONS IN CANADA:
Confident of victory, because -
he has always had solid support of Kannadigas !

Famous Priest, Secretary to the Archbishop of Goa:
SWAMI JOGI LALOO PARYARA

Francis Rodrigues © 2008 Toronto.